Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
