ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
