went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
