my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
