oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
