Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
