At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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