I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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