she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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