im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
