I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
