i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
