My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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