I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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