I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
