like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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