I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
