If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
