We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
