I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
