We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
