11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
