so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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