Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
