I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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