WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
