Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
