Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
