in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
