I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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