Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
