anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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