Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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