Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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