Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
