The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
