Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
