Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
