dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
