It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
