She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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