U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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