Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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