My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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