My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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