remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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