well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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