he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
