My sheets look like a crime scene.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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