I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
