just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
