The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
